I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
