she woke up with a sticky ear
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
