If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
His nipple licking is glorious
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
