I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
