She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i've created a new STD.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who put my cat in the fridge?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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