Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
