1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
