Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
