After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
