Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
