Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
