Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
