I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
