I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
