I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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