Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
