my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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