Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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