Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
