ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
