he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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