just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
