At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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