Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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