My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
