I murdered the dance floor call the cops
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
