My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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