3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
