I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
