I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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