Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize