so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
