I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
