thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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