Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
