Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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