I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want nice things and good sex
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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