when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
