Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
