After last night, I could never be a politician.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
