I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
