I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
