I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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