3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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