I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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