If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
