you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
