if i can run in heels then i can drive
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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