I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I want a musical about memes.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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