singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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