How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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