The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
