Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
