why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
