i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
