you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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