This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
