Swine flu. Run for my life!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
