sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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