I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
