Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
